Far Away
week #47 | 2018
I woke up wanting to see you.
Earlier this year, the death of a friend gave us an excuse to see each other again, even if it was only for a few seconds through a Messenger video call. If one of our old teachers never teased us about “being together again,” I would not have thought of it.
But then again, I always wondered how you turned out.
I broke you and left. Another woman came into your life to fix the mess I made. I’m glad she made you happy. What I did was unforgivable. I take full responsibility for why our relationship went south–it was all my fault.
While our former teacher and friends teased us, you just smiled and so did I. I asked around about you after that.
Months passed, a close friend of ours asked me why I suddenly changed my mind about wanting to go home. I said I wanted to see you. I want to talk to you and apologize, something I should have done a long time ago. I sent you a friend request on Facebook, but you left me hanging. I totally understand; if I was you, I would have done the same thing. But aren’t you the least bit curious as to how I turned out?
I’m hanging onto my little shred of hope.
Today, I made my plans with my friends back home.
We’re going out of town before I really come back. I said I wanted our class to meet up and maybe go to the beach to celebrate me coming home, but honestly that’s just an excuse for me to see you. I explicitly told my friends to say I’m not coming home if anyone asks–to basically lie for me–because I’m afraid once you hear my name, you’ll go the opposite way and do everything you can to avoid me.
I really do want to see you; the urge is strong. I find myself drifting to your page once I reactivated my old Facebook. You’re doing well, I see.
I just pray you’ve forgiven me for what I did on Christmas Day, 2012.
When we were one foot in and one foot out
I know that I let you go but I miss you now
All the things I should’ve said but I didn’t know how
I know that I let you go but I miss you now
And I’m losing my grip, losing my mind
First to admit that you could be mine
It’s so unlike me to do
But I’m losing it over you
♬ — This one’s our song. My song for you.
Who was I to make you wait?
